PhoebeMoon Quilt Humor ⋆ How to Know You are a REAL Quilter

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NOTES ABOUT THIS PAGE: These were collected from both E-Guild Lists and individual contributions and were compiled and maintained by Laura Starr of the UFO-rphanage for Quilters for many years. Laura has generously donated this page to us for your continued enjoyment.

A paper cut (or other minor finger bleeder) is as devastating as a broken ankle.
A book of block patterns sits on your bed stand instead of a novel.
A “fat quarters” sale makes everything else on Your shopping list unimportant.
A book of block patterns sits on your bed stand instead of a novel.
All the babies in your unit are covered in baby quilts.
All the paper scraps in our purse has quilt block sketches on them!
All the gifts you give, whatever the occasion, are quilts…
All your walls and beds are bare because you give everything you make away.
At 11:00 pm you kiss your husband goodnite and say “I’ll be right up after I finish this block!” and the next thing you know he is kissing you “goodbye” at 6:00 in the morning on his way to work.
At the end of the month, you notice that the monthly checks are divided between supermarkets and fabric stores – pretty soon you notice that the fabric store check stubs are beginning to dominate the checkbook.
Before a major holiday or event, you can be seen either up at midnight, or in the car on the way to the event, sewing the last few stitches in.
Even the fictional books you read have quilt related themes.
Every quilt shop employee in a 100 mile radius knows your first name.
Every time your boss wears a particular shirt You have to bite Your tongue to keep from asking him if you can have it when he gets tired of it.
Every graphic design immediately starts translating itself into fabric layouts in your head.
Everyone in your building comes to you when they have a rip in clothes or a falling hem, because they know you have needles and thread.
Everyone around you knows you’re a quilter, even though you’ve never said a word about it!
Everyone else is asleep, you’re dead tired but just HAVE to do some quilting, even for a little while.
Everything you look at in the stores you think to yourself, “now how can I use that for my quilting.”
Fabric Fondling does not sound obscene.
If you are not actually quilting, then you’re online at a quilt site.
It is no fun if quilting isn’t involved.
Someone asks You for tape and all You can come up with is 1/4″ masking tape!
The smell of new fabric brings a dreamy look to your face….
The 5/8″ seam allowances used on patterns for clothing look EXACTLY 2 1/2 times too big.
The mailman delivers a package and say “more fabric?”
The shop owner takes You to the back room to show you the new fabric that just came inand she hasn’t put it in inventory yet.
The stars in your eyes have points meeting in the centre.
The line outside your restroom “stall” during the play’s intermission gets longer & longer because you’re trying to sketch the complex design in the tile floor because it’d make a neat quilt design!!
The weather service is predicting a giant blizzard and it is more important to get to the fabric store than to the grocery store.
The only time you do laundry is when you come back from the fabric store and you have a whole pile of new cottons to pre_wash.
There’s more fabric in the house than food.
UFO does NOT mean “Unidentified Flying Object.”
When you delay changing the diaper so you can sew a few more stitches, even when that diaper makes your eyes water!
when your 4 and 6 year olds can name more blocks at the quilt show than the middle aged lady standing beside them
when working at the quilt shop, the UPS man thinks you are nuts because You are so excited when he delivers boltsized packages.
when.the lady in the checkout line behind you informs you that you have masking tape all over Your caboose
when you wear your mangled fingertips as a badge of courage when you leave your newly purchased fabric out, so you can touch as you go by.
WIP is something You need to do, not what a lion tamer uses.
You buy note cards and other things with quilt patterns on them and you always save at least one of each pattern in case you ever want to use that design…
You get meat at the store, you cut out the good parts of the freezer paper and save it.
You consider fabric strewn about the room as either a) furniture or b) decor, either of which means you don’t have to pick it up. 😉
You try and decide if it’s fair to have an equal budget for your daughter’s college tuition and Your quilt habit___$100 for her…$100 for quilt stuff…hmmm seems pretty fair to me.
You plan on holding your graduation party at the quilt store. (Hey, I’ve got a little over a year before I get that master’s…..still plenty of time to book the classroom, right??? :))
You celebrate the end of the semester with a trip to the quilt store.
You are traveling through the America West terminal in Phoenix Arizona and you are fascinated by the pattern in the carpet and sit in the gate area and chart it out on 1/4″ grid paper that YOU JUST HAPPEN to have in your briefcase!
You can’t leave a fabric store for under $100.00.
You wish you were on a sequestered jury and locked in a hotel for 6 months with your sewing machine, fabric stash, and quilting tools. And no interruptions. Well, expect having to go to court every day.
You offer to teach teenagers how to quilt. (It has to be easier to teach other people’s kids ’cause my daughter refused to learn from me).
You look at someone’s clothing and try to determine (by sight) if it is definitely 100% cotton.
You have a section in Your daytimer specifically for quilt notes, QuiltNet notes and ideas that may come up.
You find Your son pawing through the carpeting, and when asked what he is doing, he replies “I have a splinter. I’m looking for a pin.”
You close Your eyes in church to pray but see after images of quilt blocks.
You dream about ironing fat quarters and such and wake up with a smile on Your face.
You find Yourself reaching for a head of lettuce in the grocery store and realize You are wearing a thimble on Your finger
You think of Your job as an interruption in Your quilt time.
You would much rather be chatting on QuiltNet than doing Your work! 🙂
You have more UFOs than You can possibly do in the next year. (That’s me!)
You look at an empty wall and wonder how quickly You can make a wall hanging to cover it! (I have two of those, one at work, one at home… 🙂 )
You have no qualms about driving for 23 hours just to see a quilt show or go to a quilt store.
You always choose the graph paper tablets form the stock room so that You can design quilts when You are supposedly taking notes in a meeting.
You make a long weekend trip to visit another quilting friend in another state, just to go to HER fabric shops!
You return from a trip You must buy an extra piece of luggage to get Your goodies home in……..
You consider buying the whole bolt of fabric. And very often do.
You purchase fabric and the clerk asks “what are You making?” And You have to answer, “I don’t know”, “I’m not sure”, or my usual “I just collect fabric.”
You won’t spend $10 on a new pair of shoes but have no problem spending $10 on one yard of that new Bali batik.
You don’t there’s anything stange at all about Christmas fabrics on sale in June
You sign up for a class to make garden stepping stones and use a quilt block design for Your stone.
You have more fabric than WalMart but not enough of any one fabric to make a dress.
You hire someone to clean Your house, so cleaning won’t interfere with Your quilting!
You have to get a job at a quilt shop in order to pay for all Your fabric.
You ask You daughter (22) if she wants to go the mall with You and she replies “we’re not stopping at any quilt stores on the way, or I’m not going”.
You have more cotton fabric in the house than You do food in the freezer, way, way more fabric.
You get such pleasure out of just looking at all the lovely fabrics You have.
You write the dates on the calendar of the fabric sales and then tell Your friends and family that You have plans for those days, so they shouldn’t count You in on anything else.
You spend more money on ‘quilt stuff’ than You do on Your wardrobe.
You set up an area in the living room to sew, so that You can see Your family once in a while.
You take the flannel sheets off the bed and nail them to the wall.
You leave the house with bits of thread and fabric all over Your clothes.
You go to the cutting table with 8 bolts and they’re all varying nuances of the same color white!
You plan your summer vacations around the quilting shows.
You wake up at 4:00 AM and can’t fall back asleep because your mind is thinking about all the new quilt patterns You could be making.
You leave the house with bits of thread and fabric all over Your clothes
You KNOW the term “fat quarters” refers to your little fabric bundles and not those that we may carry on our hips.
You have enough fabric in Your “stash” to open your own store, books to fill a small library and every quilting tool known to mankind, but you still check the magazines and store isles to see of anything new has come out.
You won’t buy a double stroller that doesn’t fit between the display racks at the fabric store
You have take down some pictures in your home in order to hang some quilts.
You get a square in a swap and ask the person who sent it to get the information on it from the store she bought it from!!! (So I could order it…)
You get excited about Christmas fabric in the stores in June, but think anything else with a Christmas theme is out waaayyy too soon!
You donate Your artificial Christmas tree to charity and make a quilted wall hanging of a tree to use instead.
You start to plan family vacations around areas that have quilt shops, but don’t want them to know about it.
You start saving those jeans the kids outgrow instead of donating them. They will make an excellent jeans quilt someday.
You know You are a quilter when You shop the thrift stores for Your own clothes, but don’t give a second thought to spending $50+ on fabric for quilts.
You buy 5 yards of a fabric for a simple jumper, so You will have a couple yards in case You want that color to go in a quilt.
You use the projects at work to plan a quilt
You have more needle holes in Your fingers than Your teenager does in his/her ears.
You wake up and grab a paper and pencil, so You can jot down the pattern that You just dreamed about!
You use the word “between” as a noun more often than as a preposition.
You carry more pictures of Your quilts than of Your children.
You plan Your summer vacations around the quilting shows.
You buy fabric with no good reason in mind, your husband asks why are You buying that fabric and you reply…because it’s here.
You try to come up with excuses to stay home and quilt. Let the family go to the summer festivals, I would rather quilt.
You hop out of bed, head straight for your quilting spot, and spend fifteen minutes just staring at the quilt blocks on the flannel board (especially when You have tons of other things that HAVE to be done).
You get great enjoyment in just refolding Your stash.
You wear Your mangled fingertips as a badge of courage
You dream in quilts and quilt patterns, and making quilts, sewing quilts, reading, etc.
You don’t mind spending tons of money on fabric to make a quilt for a gift but would never spend that much money on a storebought gift.
You smash your hand in the car door, and before you even say, “OW!” You think, “Oh, no! My quilting hand!!!”
You make multiple amounts of your favorite recipes and freeze them so that You can quilt all week and just defrost in the micro.
You start to plan family vacations around areas that have quilt shops, but don’t want them to know about it.
You ask for fabric or gift certificates to fabric stores instead of other gifts for your birthday, anniversary, or Christmas.
You finally vacuum and the roller won’t go around any more from the threads wrapped around it.
You go to England and go to a fabric store BEFORE You go to Big Ben.
You hope it will rain on the weekend (or Your days off), so that You have an ‘excuse’ to stay in and work on your latest quilt!
You look forward to the 4day weekend coming up so You can (no, not go to the beach) spend more time quilting.
You tell your husband You are going to meet Your quilting buddy at 6:00AM, and he says “I’ll fix my own supper!!
You know your a quilter when You count the days when Your Youngest move out so You can take over their room for Your quilting room.
You carry a needle safely stored in Your purse, to check the “needle_ability” of fabrics you are thinking of buying.
You have pen and fabric ready for autographs from “famous” quilters….
You begin to go to the quilt shop at lunch time and spend your lunch money on new fabric.
You to go to about 15 different fabric stores in your area to search for a fabric for SOMEONE else!!!
You work at a quilt shop and You write THEM a check on payday, because Your purchases were more than the amount You earned!!!
You buy Your husband that perfectcolored blue plaid flannel shirt when You know he won’t wear flannel shirts but You do know it’s the blue You’ve been looking for to put in Your quilt.
You go the pizza place and Your four year old pipes up, “Look, Mom, that man’s using a rotary cutter on the pizza and he’s going to get his fabric full of sauce!”
You spend 30 minutes looking for Your thimble and find it on Your finger
You consider Your featherweight a part of the kitchen table and bristle when asked to move.
You load Yourself up with so many fabric bolts at the quilt shop sale that another customer comes up to You and says, “Excuse me, do You work here?”.
You set up Your sewing machine the night before surgery so You wont waste all that recovery time just getting better!
You return home after having been on a quilt shop spree and after spilling soy sauce down the front of Your dress, You can’t decide whether to wash the dress or the newly purchased fabric first.
You wait for bedroom scenes in movies and TV shows not for the steamy bits but to see if they’ve got a cool quilt on the bed!
You go on vacation with the family, NOT to a quilt show, but take more pictures of the beautifully tiled floor (what a great pattern! I could do it batiks!) than Your family.
You have given unfinished gifts.
You sit in a staff meeting and sketch a new quilt idea based on a guy’s tie before he leaves or notices You.
You walk into an antique store and only see the things that would make great embellishments for quilts.
You come across lots of antique gloves, handkerchiefs and think…now how can I use that for a quilt?
You have purchased more projects than You can do in Your lifetime, and yet You continue to look for more.
You have tried to (or at least thought of) using cat hair as batting.
You think thread is a fashion accessory.
You find Yourself drawing the bathroom tile pattern on a piece of toilet tissue in a public restroom.
You buy Your own Christmas presents from the fabric shop and give them to DH to put under the tree.
You come to the realization that fabric breeds. You KNOW You’ve never seen some of that stuff in there before.
You have to convert the bed in the guest bedroom, which You’ve been using as a sorting table for fabrics pulled from “the stash” for the next project, back into a bed so that a friend can stay over for the night without sleeping on the couch. (Of course, the friend could sleep on the couch, but You’d have to move some of the quilts, including the current project, off of it first.)
You care about stuff like which starch to use!
You get more quilting magazines in the mail than Your DH gets computer magazines.
You keep asking Your out of college child when she is going to move out because You covet her bedroom for a sewing room.
You wish the State of the Union Address was a call in program so You can ask where the President of the United States got his Attic Windows tie.
You think that Isaiah 1:18 (“Come now, let us set things right, says the Lord”) shows that God makes quilts.
You look at fabric clothing in charity stores and garage sales, but not with the idea of wearing it.
You know You’re a quilter when…everyone else is asleep, You’re dead tired but just HAVE to do some quilting, even for a little while.
You had the choice of going to a quilt show or going out to dinner with Your DH, You’d go to dinner with your DH, but You’d THINK about it.
You REWARD yourself for every onerous job with a trip to the quilt store
You Know You’re a Quilter When… You took the time to read every saying on this page and wonder why there’s not more! (Thanks, Melinda!)
You know all the deadlines and color themes for all the “swaps” You’ve gotten Yourself into, but don’t know what you’re having for dinner tonight!
You hide your scissors!
You carry around more pictures of your quilts, than of your children. You find yourself trying more new quilt patterns and techniques than new recipes.
You ask your father, DH, SO and brothers to save their old ties for You.
You are getting a manicure, haircut, whatever and You check out the floor and ask if they have any extra floor tiles because the pattern would make a great quilt.
You have a “stash” and it isn’t illegal.
You REWARD yourself for every onerous job with a trip to the quilt store (I have to go to DC tomorrow, and instead of taking the train like a sensible person, I’m driving so I can stop at the quilt shop on the way home!).
You enter office, surgery, bank, etc… and see much spare wall space that would be beautifully covered with a wall quilt(s).
You insist that the floor tiles in Your new den are 12″ square, so you can lay Your quilt top or backing down and square it up perfectly.
You move to a new city and buy a house based on where the quilt shop is.
You lie in the dentist’s chair looking at the poster on the ceiling and think of a wonderful eye catching quilt that would look much better up there.
You enter office, surgery, bank, etc… and see much spare wall space that would be beautifully covered with a wall quilt(s).
You actually enjoy going to the mailbox everyday to see what goody is there waiting for you _ another magazine, an exchange block, fabric you ordered.
You wish your Surname is/was Cotton but the only problem is that, unless your mother and your father both had the Surname of Cotton that you would not be 100% Cotton !!!!!
You pet & fondle fabric.
You frequently spend your lunch money on fat quarters.
You start hiding the credit card bill when it comes so that no one else will see the number of charges you have made to your quilt store.
You watch shows, and try to copy the window and wall designs behind the actors, because they might make interesting quilting patterns.
You walk into the local restaurant and Your daughter takes a look at the floor and says “look mommy a quilt pattern!”
You are in a strange city and almost cause an accident trying to make a u_turn when You spot a quilt store.
You find Yourself NOT telling your kids where you are going so that You won’t hear “Oh no, not another quilt show!”
You buy Your daughter a dress because You like the cotton print not because she would look good in it.
You frequently spend your lunch money on fat quarters. You start hiding the credit card bill when it comes so that no one else will see the number of charges
You go to get a tiny piece of fabric, and a whole stack falls on the floor.
You know Featherweight doesn’t mean a boxer.
You move to a new city and buy a house based on where the quilt shop is.
You lie in the dentist’s chair looking at the poster on the ceiling and think of a wonderful eye catching quilt that would look much better up there.
You forgot about the time and now have to move like crazy to get the housework done and dinner ready before Your husband gets home from work.
You are getting a manicure, haircut, whatever and You check out the floor and ask if they have any extra floor tiles because the pattern would make a great quilt.
You insist that the floor tiles in your new den are 12″ square, so you can lay your quilt top or backing down and square it up perfectly.
You ask your father, DH, SO and brothers to save their old ties for ou.
You have a “stash” and it isn’t illegal.
You watch shows, and try to copy the window and wall designs behind the actors, because they might make interesting quilting patterns.
Your 4 year old can distinguish plaids from checks!
You know Featherweight doesn’t mean a boxer.
You go to get a tiny piece of fabric, and a whole stack falls on the floor.
You hide your scissors!
You know all the deadlines and color themes for all the “swaps” you’ve gotten yourself into, but don’t know what you’re having for dinner tonight!
You carry around more pictures of your quilts, than of your children. You find yourself trying more new quilt patterns and techniques than new recipes.
You actually enjoy going to the mailbox everyday to see what goody is there waiting for you – another magazine, an exchange block, fabric you ordered.
You’re in the kid’s toy sections at Michaels and think “I could use that beanie bag carrier for my quilting supplies”.
You’re flying over the neat and orderly farms in the Midwest, and all You can see is 9 patch blocks (alfalfa goes one way, corn another, wheat a third, etc.)
You’re sitting in a courtroom as a prospective juror, and all you can think about is that the ceiling moldings would make a *great* border quilting pattern.
You’re making travel plans and one of your first thoughts is if there are any must see quilting stores within a 100 mile radius of Your destination.
You’re single and your entire social life revolves around quilt groups, quilt meetings, quilt conventions, coffee with quilt friends, etc.
You’re making travel plans and one of your first thoughts is if there are any must see quilting stores within a 100 mile radius of Your destination.
You’ve not only seen a UFO, but you have a closet full of them to prove it.
You’ve spent so much time quilting and being on the computer for quilt related sites, that you forgot about the time and now have to move like crazy to get the housework done and dinner ready before your husband gets home from work.
You’ve been in the store so much You tell the clerks which table the bolts should be put away on.
You’ve worked the 12 hour night shift and have to stay up to do a little quilting!
Your spouse no longer mentions the pieces of 1/4″ wide masking tape stuck to Your backside. He/she just politely removes it.
Your address book also has (quilt) e_mail addresses in them.
Your child knows the names of major sewing machine brands.
Your soon to be 5 year old son tells his grand daddy that all he wants for his birthday is a white Batman car and a toy quilt and a toy needle and a toy “fimble”.
Your Keepsake catalog arrives in the mail, You read it end to end before even looking at the rest of the mail.
Your mind associates the number 13 with a needle size instead of “Friday the…”.
Your ironing board is always set up but You never iron clothes on it.
Your sock drawer has fat quarters in it.
Your Ginghers are kept in their protective sheath, and hidden from the family.
Your son tells You, that “remember, if You are good, Santa will bring You fabric again next year!”.
Your DH arranges crackers on a plate and calls it a “Trip Around The World” pattern.
Your family buys You “quilt” gifts (fabrics, scissors, tools and toys) for birthday and Christmas.
Your daughter is 6 months old and has already been to 10 quilt shows.
Your husband and children walk around the house with threads on their clothes…just like You!
Your three year old looks at a tile floor and says, “Mommy, it’s a quilt!”
Your dog knows not to walk on the fabric even if it is on the floor. Now if only i could get that through the cat’s thick skull. it doesn’t matter where the fabric is, he thinks i put it there for him to sleep on.
Your fabric stash has every possible color under the rainbow, but You need to make a quick trip to the fabric store because You just can’t find the exact color You think you must have.
Your husband can’t find the dental floss but knows exactly where to grab a length of quilting thread instead.
Your 4 year old can distinguish plaids from checks!
Your new house isn’t even finished and you know how far your pilgrimage to Keepsake Quilting is!
Your hubby wants to leave and you keep saying “just one more seam, I’ll be there in a minute”.
Your fabric stash is greater than your chocolate stash!
Your nine year old can coordinate the colors with you!! Your husband can’t find the dental floss but knows exactly where to get a length of quilting thread instead.
Your daughter who does not know anything about sewing starts using quilt terms like redwork.
Your husband knows the names of block patterns and occasionally even knows what pattern they go to.
Your family’s idea of a home cooked meal is anything that didn’t get delivered.
Your weight has shifted since childbirth and You are removing some “small” items from Your closet and run across a sun dress You wore on Your honeymoon. At that very moment, Your DH walks in and says, Oh, I always liked that dress, don’t give it away. And You’re thinking to Yourself, give it away? Ha! that’s cotton!
Your nine year old can coordinate the colors with you!!
Your non_quilting friends start sending You cards with quilts on them because they know You’d like it.
Your fabric stash has every possible color under the rainbow, but ou need to make a quick trip to the fabric store because You just can’t find the exact color you think you must have.
Your dog knows not to walk on the fabric even if it is on the floor. Now if only i could get that through the cat’s thick skull. it doesn’t matter where the fabric is, he thinks i put it there for him to sleep on.
Your three year old looks at a tile floor and says, “Mommy, it’s a quilt!”
Your finger tips are so rough that You can’t pull on a pair of panty hose, but you don’t care.
Your DH brings home stacks of Florida guidebooks to read for your trip but you just check the FAQ on Florida Q Shops.
Your son brings You a fat quarter instead of flowers when you are in the hospital, and Your DH brings You a fresh pad of graph paper! (It really happened!)
Your sewing room is the gathering room of the house, not the family room.
Your checkbook hasn’t been balanced in 10 years (or however long You’ve been quilting) but You can instantly calculate needed yardage for Your new project while shopping at the quilt or fabric store.
Your child spills juice on a shirt and instead of looking for stain remover, You are thinking, “Hmmmm, that pink would make a really pretty heart in my patchwork project…”
Your trash never has fabric scraps larger than 1″ by 1″ in it.
Your house mates/warden start asking you when the thesis is going to get written, and they ask you whether you’re going to make your supervisor a quilt…
Your first motion when Your computer comes up on a workday morning is to check your quilt messages.
Your 18month old child can recognize a fabric store from the outside
Your sewing machine gets out of the house with you more often than your husband does
The weather forecast is for snow and it is more important to get to the quilt shop then the grocery store!
You Know You’re a Quilter When… You took the time to read every saying on this page and wonder why there’s not more! (Thanks, Melinda!)
You know your a quilter when you buy your kids a pingpong table for Christmas and they can never use it because it’s always covered with fabric and cutting mats.
You know your a quilter when your son thinks you need medication because you are always refolding and rearranging your stash. Maybe I do need medication?? Naaah.